Hey folks.

I’m making a big change in my life soon. It’s led to a lot of self reflection lately, and I’m not very fond of the person I’ve been for the past few years. I didn’t even realize it until very recently, but I’ve been in a dark place. I’ve no intention to lay my life bare here, but I’d like to say I’m sorry for bringing this place down so often over the last couple of years. I’ve held a lot of anger in my heart and I’ve been too eager to spread it. I think this place rules. It(and HBO before it) has been my home on the internet for two decades now. I get a little bummed seeing the lack of activity, and I’m sorry for my part in that, however large or small it may be. I can’t imagine the constant negativity was conducive to reversing the trend. I still consider some people from here who I’ve only ever interacted with online in various forms to be some of my closest friends, and I’m forever grateful for the day when I was and idiot teenager and stumbled upon HBO all that time ago.

In any case, I’m moving to Colorado in a few weeks. I have no job lined up, no planned place to stay. I’m going with my Jeep, the clothes on my back, and the cash in my pocket and I’m going to see what happens. A grand adventure! The consoles are packed away already (or sold in the case of the Xbox), and I don’t know when I’ll be able to plug one in again, so I’ll see you all around. I’ll still be around here, but video games are on hold for a while.

You all rule, and no matter how big or small the interaction, it’s meant a lot to me to be a part of this community, even when I made a real ass of my self.

I’ll catch you all around whenever it happens.

- No text -

Hey folks.

I’m making a big change in my life soon. It’s led to a lot of self reflection lately, and I’m not very fond of the person I’ve been for the past few years. I didn’t even realize it until very recently, but I’ve been in a dark place. I’ve no intention to lay my life bare here, but I’d like to say I’m sorry for bringing this place down so often over the last couple of years. I’ve held a lot of anger in my heart and I’ve been too eager to spread it. I think this place rules. It(and HBO before it) has been my home on the internet for two decades now. I get a little bummed seeing the lack of activity, and I’m sorry for my part in that, however large or small it may be. I can’t imagine the constant negativity was conducive to reversing the trend. I still consider some people from here who I’ve only ever interacted with online in various forms to be some of my closest friends, and I’m forever grateful for the day when I was and idiot teenager and stumbled upon HBO all that time ago.

In any case, I’m moving to Colorado in a few weeks. I have no job lined up, no planned place to stay. I’m going with my Jeep, the clothes on my back, and the cash in my pocket and I’m going to see what happens. A grand adventure! The consoles are packed away already (or sold in the case of the Xbox), and I don’t know when I’ll be able to plug one in again, so I’ll see you all around. I’ll still be around here, but video games are on hold for a while.

You all rule, and no matter how big or small the interaction, it’s meant a lot to me to be a part of this community, even when I made a real ass of my self.

I’ll catch you all around whenever it happens.

I wish you all the best! Changes like these are never easy, and I hope it all works out.

Although I sent the message through the DBO form field so I have no idea if it actually worked.

No, I don’t see anything. I don’t think it got caught in any filters. You can send it to throwawaywesley@gmail.com if you want.

- No text -

On the forum, yeah, sure, you've been negative... but I really miss playing with you; much less negativity and much more fun. I hope the change works out - you should stop in periodically and let us know how it's going!

- No text -

I have missed it, too. I really appreciate the good times I’ve had with all of you. You all won’t be rid of me anytime soon, I’ll still be kicking around the forums.

You all rule, and no matter how big or small the interaction, it’s meant a lot to me to be a part of this community, even when I made a real ass of my self.

You have the benefit of not being an ass IRL. Or in any live interaction I've ever had with you. The internet makes asses out of all of us sooner or later--I preferred to think of you as ... expressive.

Thanks again for the message yesterday. Look forward to hearing how things go.

Kerm

Almost 20 years ago I did something similar. That decision still pays off today. Don't be afraid to take risks, and don't let one bad experience stop you from stepping out and taking more.

And take care of that jeep. It was a lot of fun cruising KC in it.

An adventure in Colorado sounds amazing. I just know you're going to have a great time.

We'll be here waiting to hear how it's going mate.

❤️

Warm wishes. Literally and figuratively.

And take care of that jeep. It was a lot of fun cruising KC in it.

I just had to cut out a section of rusted frame and weld in replacements recently. I’m putting a new radiator and heater core in it tomorrow and going to change all the fluids. 270,000 miles and it’s still going strong.

(Man... I really hopes this translates well in text. I'm not sure it does. eh.)

The fuck with this Kumbaya shit? And a pack of beans and a bag of dreams you say?...hehheh.

Man, what are you apologizing for, eh? You are no "car15" nor some prickled Brit (whose tag I've forgotten), nor some toxic folk who just always see the worst of the world just to excuse their own struggle. Brother, that salt we all got to see shine never gave cause to drown anyone in sorrow, least as far as I know. Dumb as I am, I do know a bunch... since, you see, I'm a banana.

lol... mmmm, where was I...

In Harry Potter, and don't worry I'm going somewhere with this, the Killing Curse has requirements. For it to work, upon the heart (or lack there-in) which casts such effect, there must be a willful intent, lest the worst it does is maim if even that. Cheap, you may think you've spit like a cobra at times, but above the hiss, you're no snake, and despite the salt, you're no vengeful sea... and I dare speak for all of us, happy to be corrected here, that among it all, we know that among that grough and tumb'l you've got a heart you've not known what to do with.

It's been pretty obvious actually, I really do hope it's not just me.

I use my heart to doodle with words. SEE! doodles. YAY!!

And for FUCKS SAKE, you're not the reason for the lack of activity. Nue Bungie, the State of Gaming, technology, business, and plain 'ol folks gett'n grizzled and just too old for this shit, among other modifiers are among the many reasons things grow ... the Gravemind quote. OH GEE! I'm so original.

Speaking of original, selling everything and going to Colorado ("West")... brother, I hope you did your homework. How shall I put this... you know how Money and its modern influences have reliably enshitified things into a gray water to be "improved"? How Streaming is cable and... well, I'll just get on with it, Colorado has really built up in the last decade. I say this just in warning, to hold no illusions. I'm happy for ya man, go drop and run and live, just don't lose yourself while finding yourself, yeah? There are songs about that meat ball, but brains? Take it from me, the are twigs out there man, very pointy. Makes it hard to squish back in head.

But what do I know. I'm a banana.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46GwJbrMghQ

Thanks for being you, man, truly. That post warmed my heart.

I do appreciate the consideration. Following your heart is one thing, but contrary to romantic opinion, life is long and all too easy to fuck up. Still, it’s time for a change, and while things could always actually be worse, I’m not worried about my ability to put food in my stomach and find a place to sleep at night. I’m off in search of . . . I don’t know, actually, but surely there’s more to life than merely existing, and it seems like that’s kind of all I’ve been doing lately. Journey before destination and all that.

Thanks for being you, man, truly. That post warmed my heart.

I do appreciate the consideration. Following your heart is one thing, but contrary to romantic opinion, life is long and all too easy to fuck up. Still, it’s time for a change, and while things could always actually be worse, I’m not worried about my ability to put food in my stomach and find a place to sleep at night. I’m off in search of . . . I don’t know, actually, but surely there’s more to life than merely existing, and it seems like that’s kind of all I’ve been doing lately. Journey before destination and all that.

It's a shame. You're about 5 ...probably more with all the characters yet written and what not needs to happen... years ahead of one of my books. I've got an answer, BUT I CAN'T JUST TELL YOU! Life is more than words, dare tell, provided it even tells at all! Often it just kind of watches, or is blunt without the context. Befuddling. It can come across a real ass that way.

"Time for a change", yep -heheh, know some of that jungle. No surprises here that the "just delete everything from the vault" guy is taking that advice on the road, eh?

Well, how about a touch more INSANEdrive advice then. Heaven knows if it's topical, but it feels like the same, so I'm rollin' with it. ... It's fine and dandy you're up for throwing yourself out there AND being that worm on the hook in the hopes you'll know your self a fish... to know that swim in life, but... make sure you keep some string, yeah? Shit gets big in a hurry (you know that), and if one isn't careful, you'll lose yourself... which can be done even if you don't know what that means. You're you long before you know it, don't let folks trick ya into changing it, lest it's something you want to change. Cody is a fantastic example of this, in that... it's still Cody... but he's trying. He's work'n on it. It's lovely! Cody is very smart. It's been fun in that decade hence.

Now... because it's important, quite important in this case, I'm going to fill you in that the string is a journal. Or a blog. Or a shit ton of post-it notes, which can get messy in a hurry, but that also can be the point, so, hey, you do you. Write. It. Down. You are going for change by the roll of the dice, ya gotta make sure you don't crap yourself red when you think yourself on the black.

And what is "it"? OH MAN! THAT'S THE BEST PART! But also, the hardest. And its yours. Keep it. Secret and Safe. Write it down. And harder of all... don't look back. DON'T LOOK BACK!... until it's time. You'll know... 'cause what have I said man, time and time again here. You're the smartest of us all.

Oh! And have fun. Skin cancer, getting mauled by teeth, and shit on by birds... risk aside, that outside thing is kinda cool. I hear Colorado has a bunch of that. ...lol

But what do I know... I'm just a Warlock and his books, talking about Destiny.

"Time for a change", yep -heheh, know some of that jungle. No surprises here that the "just delete everything from the vault" guy is taking that advice on the road, eh?

I've managed to live much of my life with that attitude. Sometimes it served me well, other times, well . . not.

Shit gets big in a hurry (you know that), and if one isn't careful, you'll lose yourself... which can be done even if you don't know what that means.

Shit has been big for a while now, even if only quietly so. And there's not much left to lose. This is . . . I dunno, honestly. It's stupid, if you look at it objectively. Leaving a decent, stable job, close to a family that loves and supports me, to chase . . . something. Not someone anymore, for better or worse. I just know I can't sit still any longer. I could probably put in the effort to better myself here with a little security, but--it doesn't feel right, honestly. It's an inescapable call right now.

Now... because it's important, quite important in this case, I'm going to fill you in that the string is a journal. Or a blog. Or a shit ton of post-it notes, which can get messy in a hurry, but that also can be the point, so, hey, you do you. Write. It. Down. You are going for change by the roll of the dice, ya gotta make sure you don't crap yourself red when you think yourself on the black.

We seem to be on the same wavelength more often than not. I've never used a journal in my entire life, but I started recently. It's a fucking mess, honestly, and I hope I look back it some day and laugh, but it's helped. Getting the thoughts and self hatred out of my head is beneficial.

Oh! And have fun. Skin cancer, getting mauled by teeth, and shit on by birds... risk aside, that outside thing is kinda cool. I hear Colorado has a bunch of that. ...lol

That outside thing is wonderful. It's the only thing that's kept me resembling any sort of a rational human being for a long while now. Moving to a cabin in the woods isn't the proper answer, but proximity to mountains has a special quality that I can't escape dreaming about.

Shit has been big for a while now, even if only quietly so. And there's not much left to lose. This is . . . I dunno, honestly. It's stupid, if you look at it objectively. Leaving a decent, stable job, close to a family that loves and supports me, to chase . . . something. Not someone anymore, for better or worse. I just know I can't sit still any longer. I could probably put in the effort to better myself here with a little security, but--it doesn't feel right, honestly. It's an inescapable call right now.

I'm quite literately giggling with glee, spinning in this ol' spinney chair, grinning ear to ear vicariously through your pending adventure... gee I hope you're good with pain.

You're right. It is stupid. Hilariously stupid, leaving comfort and support for... ?????????? lol... *waves arms erratically*. Expending energy and resources for rationally no known gain. Rationally. Fortunately, stupid cuts both ways, though one edge is certainly sharper. In a story context, this strikes me as quite literally the "call to adventure", the first step on The Hero's Journey (Psst, that's you Cheap). And, instead of some sophistical macguffin "story", the driving force is the mismatched restlessness of a curious self-aware mind asking questions on the meaning of... hmmmm... "here".

I choose this word carefully sir. ;D

Rhetorically; Such fun to endure, how do you stand it?

We seem to be on the same wavelength more often than not. I've never used a journal in my entire life, but I started recently. It's a fucking mess, honestly, and I hope I look back it some day and laugh, but it's helped. Getting the thoughts and self hatred out of my head is beneficial.

Of course. You're a rather reliable response. If I make a post, 2 out of 3 times (which is a ratio I'm pulling out of the ether here), it's either deft silence or you Cheap. And yet... I can not speak to knowing any shade of self hatred. Forgive me as I switch from you to me, for the sake of you. I simply cannot leave such words alone, should I have means and choice. There is a quote in the Star Wars Prequel #2 which tends to get over looked. It's frankly one of my favorite quotes in all of Star Wars...

Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

Not sure if it's relevant in the matter of self-hatred, but I think it could be... a likelihood in some arbitrary bent towards "good enough". Then again, it's also the simplest answer I have to give at the moment. External or Internal, it all seems to end up effecting the other thing, right?

To Speak in my knowing; the frustrations, and breathless stolidity, and... a grand sea of indecision, which I suppose makes a whole ocean of foibles certainly not unique, but... well, perk of being self aware of being self aware I suppose. If I gotta live with my pants-on-head 'tard-'o-licious self, at the very least one can learn to enjoy the ride. Stars (everyone needs to see the light-unhindered Milky Way at least once), the smell of spring rain, belly button lint, peeling excess School Yard glue and watching Lady bugs flying off fingers... combining odd flavors together, the way light bounces off the walls, being cold then being warm (and vise versa). Even the sting of fresh snow ain't so bad, along with the songs of muffled silence, of glinting magic and padded dreams.

eh. Simple shit, effortless. Small stones that make a mountain. Admittedly that doesn't factor in various external factors, but that goes beyond the pale in a public discussion.

That outside thing is wonderful. It's the only thing that's kept me resembling any sort of a rational human being for a long while now. Moving to a cabin in the woods isn't the proper answer, but proximity to mountains has a special quality that I can't escape dreaming about.

If ya find any gold, remember I'm your favorite! ;D (Sorry Korny.)

But what do I know, I'm just a screwy guy addicted to the bit.

My last day of work was Wednesday, I got everything moved and stored today, the Jeep is loaded and ready to go and I’m setting off early tomorrow morning. I’ll still stop by from time to time.

I spend most of my online time posting dumb shit on instagram these days, so if you have an account you can follow me over there.