I realize that’s not actually what you said and I’m extrapolating, but I just came off an extremely terrible interaction with a family member that started very similarly and I was in a bad mood, so I’m sorry for that.

I was going to say something about this threads back and forth, which I find to be a right stupid back and forth from folks who know each other well enough. Was going to say something about emotion over merits, costs of traditions lost or some shit, but...

Family. Ah! Lifes force multiplayer on whatever it is. ...

I wasn't even there and I want to apologize! Sorry man. Shit.

I’m just tired of hearing this respectability politics horseshit. Nothing these lawyers said was uncivil in any way, but even if it was, I’m sick of this “No one is kind anymore! That’s what’s wrong with America now!” rhetoric that’s so popular now.

My post was about the legal context, where I think respectability plays an important role, but that's a different post. Regarding the political divide, I'd advocate for a culture that allows space for civil debate about the merits and demerits of policy x or y. I would hope that this sentiment is not portrayed as the exclamation-point-ridden position you describe.

As if that’s the issue instead of the fact that half the country keeps putting people in power and wants policies that literally want to kill friends of mine. There’s no civil conversation to be had in that regard, and I won’t be nice to those people—they can’t eat my entire ass. Fuck ‘em.

I understand your position, and I have people close to me who probably belong to the half of country you criticize, and if they read what you wrote, they would wholeheartedly agree with you, but they wouldn't be talking about the same half you're talking about.

This is how we live now. We've created bubbles in which the most extreme, ugliest motives are all we see of "the other side," so naturally we come to see these as THE motives at play. More reasonable concerns--concerns that more (if not most) people would agree are at least reasonable--aren't brought to the table because there is no common table we sit at anymore. And as we see extremes, we become more extreme, and feel more justified in our hatred of "the other." It's a downward spiral.

My weakness, for better or for worse, is that I doubt my expertise. When I'm charitable, I'll say I have a writer's curiosity about how other people think. (Some of this also might be because humility is a central tenet of my belief system, but the truth is I fail at humility all the time. <--humble brag proves my point.) Let me put it this way: Due to choices I've made regarding friendships, where to live, what to study, and where to work, I'm had the experience of being very close to people who vote in opposite ways, yet who I'm positive are much more informed and educated than me. I'm not talking about the crazy uncle or that conspiracy nutjob in the gym locker room. I'm talking about extremely bright people I know well, people with whom I talk about what they believe and why, and what I'm routinely struck by is how little the other side knows about how or what they think, and how rarely people live down to how they're caricatured.

If I try to express this I'm accused of being a devil's advocate, which at this late date makes me indistinguishable from the devil himself. It must be said that some have descended into caricature--don't get me started on our horrible political class. The outcome is I've lost a number of diverse friends, and it pains me, mainly because I don't talk to people about what they believe like I used to, and at the end of the day I'm sure that makes this dumb guy dumber.

I realize that’s not actually what you said and I’m extrapolating, but I just came off an extremely terrible interaction with a family member that started very similarly and I was in a bad mood, so I’m sorry for that.

No worries. Maybe now I've said some things now that match up with what you extrapolated, and I hope you'll grant me some grace. Despite some harshness in our exchanges here, I haven't forgotten the guy I've played with and hung out with--a good-hearted dude who has interesting things to say. Unfortunately, it might take some extreme circumstances, like getting stuck in an elevator or something, but I'm sure I would learn a lot from a long conversation with you.

Take care,

Kerm